Sweet sweet Stella Li~
Mommy is back. I’m sorry it took so long for me to write to you again. Mommy had to mentally prepare for all the procedures and needles and tests and the months that were to come. But now it’s all over, what Daddy and I have been preparing for and working towards is here..
Your sister, Alexandra “Lexi” Li, made her arrival on February 1, 2019. I know siblings look alike, but I like to think you kissed her before she got here because she has a hint of you. You have the same crazy hair. Her expressions and when she sleeps bring me back to those early newborn days with you.
I wish you were here, Stella. As happy as I am and as in love as I am with Lexi, a part of my heart aches painfully because you should be here too. I sometimes think it’s the baby blues that cause the tears to come because I miss you so, but then I remember the tears never left, they still come and go as they please. I miss you. You should be here.
You should be jealous of the attention stolen away by your baby sister. You should be a happy 4 year old trying to help me change your sister’s diaper. You should be throwing tantrums to gain my attention. You should be wanting to hold and hug Lexi. We should be taking new family pictures. You should be here. Gosh it hurts that you aren’t.
I remind myself that Lexi is here because of you. That she is healthy because you were not. That she is that much more loved because we know just how precious our children are.
I remember to hold her longer because I know these moments are fleeting and could be gone in an instant. I remember to take as many pictures as I can because pictures and videos are all that’s left one day. I remember to laugh at the poop explosions and to simply wipe away spit ups when before a throwup meant a visit to the hospital. I’ve learned how crazy quickly a baby will cry because she knows hunger. I’ve been able to enjoy the closeness that comes with breastfeeding without worrying about a controlled diet. I’ve been able to hold my baby without the sinking worry in my stomach that she would suddenly get sick in a matter of hours.
And all this is possible because of you. I am grateful, but it makes me sad that you sacrificed so much and didn’t even know it. Your diagnosis stole away so many opportunities for you and it makes me so angry and sad the unfairness of it all.
Lexi is so cute. She likes to be held. She likes to pout. Grandma and Grandpa are so doting. They are so in love. She brings us so much joy that we thought was lost forever. We are so happy to have her. She makes us smile even through sleepless nights.
We miss you Stella. We love you Stella. Wish you were here so so much.