Good morning my Stella Li~
It’s been a while since Mommy has been able to write. Being busy and tired are the main reasons why I’ve been away, but I try to write on the days I know I can hole up inside. The days I write to you are hard because those are the days I allow myself to really miss you. The days I take off the mask and let down my guard because no one can see me. They are the days were the hurt in my heart lingers and lingers instead of the random sharp gut punches that I feel each and every day. I wish I could write to you more. This is my diary of my life with you, because even though you aren’t here in my arms and with me in this house, you are in my life.
I was never very good at math. I always hoped you would be naturally gifted with math because I struggled a lot. So with my lackluster math skills, I started counting: 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9………..
This week makes 9 months since I last called out your name and you opened your eyes and turned your head to look at me. This week makes 9 months since I last held you in my arms. 9 months without hearing you in the early hours of the morning yelling for me, 9 months without your hugs and your dazzling smile, 9 months since we sang our sing-a-long songs and danced to the music. 9 months. Stella, you have been gone for 9 months now….
1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9…..I count out the months because it feels like yesterday. The pain is as real as yesterday. The doctors, the sinking of my heart as realization sits in, and then the pain. I can close my eyes and it comes back to me. 9 months and still not a detail erased.
Oh what a long road this will be…this road I am forced to travel without you Stella. Because if 9 months still feels like yesterday, how heavy will this burden become in a year? In 5 years? In 10? Each new week brings an onslaught of “triggers”. Things that send me spiraling back to a specific memory, a still shot of you just being you. I’ve learned to deal with it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I just miss you. I miss you I miss you I miss you my Stella.
But I smile more than I cry when I see you pictures and videos now. I remember the good times more than I remember that last month in the hospital with you. I even laugh when I remember something silly you have done. The longing for you does not go away and I feel it every day, but even now, you bring me joy. My daughter, my star, my Stella Li.
I love you. I miss you. I will work hard to make you proud because you always made me proud. I am proud of you my fighter. I love you my daughter. I miss you my Stella.
Always and Forever