My sweet sweet Stella Li…

It is Monday, January 2, 2017.

You left my side to go to Heaven 40 days ago. How is this possible?? How is this our new reality??

Everything reminds me of you, even the small things. I’ll straighten my back after sitting in a hunched position and remember how tall you were when you sat up straight. I’ll get into a hot shower and remember how much you loved being in a nice warm bath and how I put so many bath toys in the tub with you, and yet your favorite things to play with were your bottles of baby shampoo, Cerave Baby Shampoo. I’ll open the fridge and remember how you would stick your hand into the cold and I remember grabbing one hand, nudging you to take a step away from the fridge and towards me instead. This memory is one of my favorite memories…you started being able to stand for long periods of time and you were so close to walking. Holding your hand as you stood with determination on your wobbly little legs…watching you take a little step towards me, your laugh and smile at how wobbly you were…these were moments of pure bliss for me. You gave that to me Stella. Happiness.

This new year, this year of 2017, looks bleak beyond belief. A year without Stella Li. A year without your smile and your laugh. A year without you climbing on top of me and pulling the hair at the nape of my neck. A year without you laughing as I hop down the stairs holding you tight, a routine we did every morning. A year without you trying to open the kitchen cabinets. A year without you trying to climb up the stairs. A year without you sitting at the end of the dinner table, an empty hot pink high chair is all that is left of your seat.  A year alone without you. A year without you, my sweet daughter Stella Li. Without you. Without Stella. How will we make it through this year without you Stella?? What’s mommy supposed to do now?

Stella….oh I wish I could call your name and see you turn to look at me. I miss you I miss you. I love you. I love you. Can you hear me Stella? I love you. I love you. Can you hear? Mommy will shout it everyday. I love you Stella. I love you Stella Li. 사랑해 엄마 딸 이예은. 사랑해, 사랑해, 사랑해….