Good Morning Stella Li, my love.
It is Sunday, January 8. It is 8:30 AM. You should have been awake and playing with me for an hour by now. I would turn on your Korean Sing-a-longs and you would sit and play with your toys and occasionally stop to listen to the music and bob your head along when you found a song you liked. Your favorite songs were “곰 새마리”, “상어 가족”, “I’m a little teapot” most recently…but there were so many you loved. You always stopped what you were doing at the end of each song and turn to listen and see what song came next. I think you already knew because you would stop and turn a little earlier for the songs you loved. My sweet baby, I thought you would be musical….
I was able to learn the piano and violin all my life. I wanted to share that with you. I couldn’t wait the day that I sat you next to me on the piano and taught you the differences between the ebony and ivory keys. I wanted to teach you the difference between majors and minors. I wanted to crescendo with you, to metronome with you, to turn the pages of the music, and I wanted to watch you experience making music. I couldn’t wait for the day that I would see you at your first recital, with your legs dangling off the bench, too short to reach the pedals of the piano. I wanted to see if you would be like me, nervous always that I’d make a mistake. Or if you would be like your uncle Paul, brazen and confident, knowing even if it wasn’t true that you were fully prepared and you wouldn’t drop a note. I wanted to record it all, you walking out on stage and playing your song, and then standing up and turning to take a bow. I can almost see it in my head. I wanted to record it all. I wanted to experience it all. I wanted you to experience it. I wanted so much for you.
Are you playing up there in heaven Stella Li? Are you watching mommy and daddy? You don’t have to if you are. We will be ok. We just miss you so much. I hope you are playing, running around on fresh green grass, barefoot of course because you hated anything on your feet. I hope you are twirling in fields of gold, unrestrained and untethered by the medically fragile body you were born into. Be happy my daughter. That’s all I ever wanted for you. I wanted you to be happy and I wanted you to be loved all the days of your life. I know that you were loved and you are still loved and you will forever be loved. I hope that you were happy while you were with me. I think you were. You made me so happy. Even in my most darkest hours, when I feared the idea of you being taken from us, it was your smile that made it all better and your laugh that gave me the strength to keep on going. As much as it pains me that you are not here, I know that you are happy in heaven. I will see you again my Stella Li.
Stella Li~ Stella Li~ 엄마가 예은이를 사랑합니다~ I sing your song every morning. I know it was a simple tune and simple words that I made up to sing you to sleep, but now It is your song. I will sing it to you all the days of my life. I love you. I love you. I miss you. I miss you. Be happy my sweet Stella Li. I can’t wait to hold you again. I don’t think I will ever let go.
엄마가 예은이를 사랑합니다~
엄마가 예은이를 사랑합니다~
엄마가 예은이를 사랑합니다~~
사랑해요 사랑해요 사랑합니다~~