Happy Valentine’s Day sweetest of sweet Stella Li. I love you. 

I never much liked Valentine’s Day. I always thought it was just another commercial holiday. Now I feel different about it. Valentine’s Day celebrates Love, in all forms. Love, to me, is you Stella Li. And so I celebrated Valentine’s day yesterday even though you weren’t there to celebrate Love with me. 

Yesterday after work, I decided to go see both you and my grandma. I decided to go see grandma first and on the way planned on buying you both some beautiful flowers. I went to 3 different places searching for flowers but none of them seemed beautiful enough for the both of you. By the time I found some pretty tulips I barely had any time left. Your mausoleum closes at 5pm. So I had to rush to see grandma then I had to really really rush to see you. 

I didn’t think I would make it. I didn’t think I would get there before the doors locked for the night. I chewed off all my fingernails trying to get there on time to give you your Valentine’s Day flowers. I really didn’t think I would be able to visit you. But I made it. I saw your pretty face through the window. I looked into the box that houses the teddy bear urn that holds your ashes. I got to see you for Valentine’s day. For just one minute. Then I had to leave because it was 5:05.

On the drive back home I was so so angry. Angry because I now have to live by a set a rules that I never agreed to. Rules that state when I can and cannot visit you. Angry because you are my daughter and I am your mother and I should be able to see you, be with you any time and all the time. It angers me that I now have to almost schedule you into my day, sometime between 8am and 5pm, when before all I had to do was glance at my side and see you there, clinging to me while you gazed up at me with your sparkling halfmoon eyes and that precious dimple. I was so angry. 

So I went home and I went upstairs and I sat in your room. I breathed deep and I smelled your scent. That mixture of diapers and baby wipes and desitin and a little bit of carnitine, the smell of you. And I remembered. I remembered your love. You brought me and daddy the greatest love. A love that was so pure, so deep, so unending in trust and innocence. You loved us, just as we love you. It is the kind of love that I know God feels for me, for you and for everyone. So I decided that I will remember the love. When I am angry, I will remember the love. I will celebrate our love everyday Stella Li, because that is how powerful and everlasting it is. 

I love you my daughter. I love you Stella Li. I miss you every moment of every day. I love you.

Always and Forever. 

Mommy.

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