I woke up at 6am today. I always do, but what woke me this time was my dream. In my dream, Daddy and I were driving, and I looked back and saw your empty car seat. The car seat that you only got to use for a month or so….Even in my dream I could feel the emptiness and sadness. I looked forward and the road ahead of us was long and dark and I could see nothing except what the headlights from the car would show. I knew it was a dream. I thought to myself “So even in my dreams I feel this loss. I know my Stella is gone, even in my dreams. What a long road my life will be without my Stella.”
I woke up feeling incredibly sad. I woke up and the tears came as I sat up in our dark and quiet house. This house that was so bright with your laughter, so alive because of your smile is now so still, so quiet. For an hour I sat on your couch cushions, just thinking about you. I went through it all in my head again, from the begining to the bitter, bitter end. My head hurt so much that it even took away for a little the pain in my heart. So I decided to lay down and try to sleep some more.
And then there you were. In my dreams. There you were. I don’t remember how you got into my arms but you were there. You shifted and made yourself comfortable, positioning yourself in my arms just like always. I held onto you for dear life. I looked upon your sweet beautiful face. My sweet daughter, oh how I have missed looking at you. You laughed and turned and pointed at different things but I didn’t look at any of it. I was too busy just holding you, feeling your body against mine again, and staring at your innocent beauty, and trying to soak in every part of you, every detail because I knew that soon I would wake again and my arms would be empty, just like your room, just like this house, just like my heart.
When I woke up from this most perfect dream, I sat up again and I ached like never before. I miss you Stella Li, my melody. I love you Stella Li, my daughter.
Thank you for letting me dream of you. It was bittersweet perfection. I wished it had never ended, but I know I must go on. Each day I live, I live as fully as I can so that you will be proud. Each day I wake in the morning is one day closer to seeing your sweet face again. On that day when we finally reunite, I will look at everything you show me Stella, because I know when I see you again and say “Hi” to your sweet little face and kiss your hands and feet and hug you with all my strength, I will never have to say goodbye again.
Until I see you again my Love. My sweet Stella Li. I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.
Always and Forever.