Sweet Stella Li~
How is it up there? I hope it is as beautiful as you.
Mommy has been trying to keep busy. Keeping busy keeps me from being too sad, but the downside of keeping busy means I am so, so, so tired. I feel like I can’t catch up, even when I know I have a lot of downtime. I sleep a lot, but I still wake up sore and exhausted. I’ve had the same sniffle of a cold for nearly 3 weeks now.
But I can’t stop. If I sit still and rest, do nothing with my hands, and just lay down, the hurt comes again. The memories come again. It doesn’t matter whether they are from our most happy times together or if they are from those last days when you fought so hard and went through so much. It hurts. I just hurt.
And so I move. I have become a multitasker. Because sitting and watching a show is not enough to keep the pain at bay. I’ve been knitting a lot. It can be stressful having such a long to-do list, but I need the distraction right now.
Mommy has a big weekend coming up. Tina Eemo’s baby shower is this weekend, so your Eemos will all be together again. It will be bittersweet because I remember last year around this time, I left you with daddy for the first time for a weekend. It was the only time you and I were ever apart for more than a couple hours. I missed you every second then, and I’ll miss you every second this time too. The only difference is this time I won’t be able to video call you or have daddy send me some pictures so I can see you sweet face.
But I will celebrate because a new life is coming. New baby! One of the things I am most grateful for during this difficult time is that I still love babies. I always have. I always will. I worried initially that when I saw my friends having babies or getting pregnant that it would be difficult for me, but in actuality, they help me. It lets me dream again. When you left this world, my dreams were crushed into ashes so fine that I didn’t think I would be able to piece them together again. I felt my dreams slip through my fingers like sand and my dreams for your life, Our life, was boxed up in your teddy bear urn along with your ashes.
But with each new life that my friends bring into this world, I find myself dreaming again. Dreams for my friend’s children, for their families, for “get togethers” and reunions. I’ve begun to dream again for myself and for our family Stella. For a sibling for you, for a future for our family that you will be proud of, a family that will carry on your legacy and make rare diseases a topic of discussion and research. Dreams of a future.
Mommy is beyond excited for Tina Eemo’s baby to arrive. Your cousin. All this love I have pent up in my heart for you Stella Li, I will pour into this baby. It’s a lot of love and it regenerates so fast and it’s unending. My heart started making all this love for you, but Love is meant to be shared. Until I see you again, I will share this love, Your Love. So I will have fun this weekend Stella. I will celebrate. I know you will be celebrating with me because you are always, always in my heart.
I miss you my daughter. My precious Stella Li. I’ll keep trying to be a mommy you would be proud of. I love you so much.
Always and forever.