The weather is glorious today. Just warm enough that we can wear summer clothes, but not so hot and humid that it’s uncomfortable just like Ohio summers tend to be. It would be the perfect day to take you to the park again. I searched high and low looking for a baby swingset for you and I never found it. So instead we rode on the slide. You loved it, but I can’t help but feel you would have loved the swings more. You always loved being upside down, leaning back and letting us catch you before you fell. The swing would have been your favorite thing.
Daddy wants to go on a walk. I don’t. I’m too tired. I also know the only place within walking distance is the park we took you to for that magnificent half hour of fun on the slides. Those videos are among my most prizes possessions. You were always at home, at therapy, or at the hospital. Very rarely did you get to go anywhere else. I saw the excitement in your face that day we stepped out. I saw the wonder in your eyes as you saw the colorful trees and the bright playground. You were so so happy. I was so so happy. Despite your diagnosis, despite knowing the transplant to come, despite being fearful day after day that you would leave me, I was so so happy. You made me happy. Stella, I wish you were here. I wonder when I will be able to say I am truly happy again. There are moments when I feel excited, when I feel glad and when I feel hope. But truthfully being able to say I’m happy, it eludes me. I don’t know when I’ll be able to say that again. In time, maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. But I know I can be happy even when I’m not 100% happy, because in reality, who really is on this earth?
But I know you are happy in Heaven. I know everyday is glorious and everyday is perfect to ride on swings and slides. I know you are smiling. I know you are running. I know Who holds your hand until I can.
I miss you my daughter, with every part of my being. I’m one day closer baby girl. I’ll see you soon. I love you so much Stella Li. Always and forever.