Hi baby girl. Hi my Stella Li.
It’s snowing today. Not the ugly snow but the beautiful snow, the first snow that comes in big fat snowflakes that stick to the ground. It’s the kind of snow that makes you stand outside or look out your window and just be mesmerized by the beauty of it. The beauty of how the snow sticks to the branches of trees to make beautiful pieces of art. How is it that beauty is still in this world when the most beautiful thing in my eyes, you Stella Li, are no longer here. How can things still be beautiful?? Somehow there is still beauty and it hurts all the more to see it sometimes.
You were finally old enough that I was going to show you the snow for the first time. I mean REALLY show you. I wanted to take you outside and let you feel the snowflakes land on your face and your eyelashes. I wanted to set you in the snow so you cold play with it however you liked. I have never built a snowman in my life, and I was looking forward to sharing that experience with you, the first time for the both of us. I wanted to see your nose become bright red from the cold and your cheeks become rosy. You are like me with sensitive skin. Hot or Cold and we turn red. I loved seeing parts of myself in you. You were my mini-me. I wish we had more time…..you would have loved the snow..
Stella…mommy misses you so much. Each day I wake up and walk to your room and I stand in the silence staring at your crib where you should be. Instead, a keepsake of your ashes in a wooden heart sits in your spot. Your clothes remain unfolded on the bed. Your diapers are still under the changing table. We just bought another 3 boxes of diapers….there are so many of them. I remember when we bought those that I wanted to buy more because you went through them so fast. Now they are overflowing in your room, unused. I wish you were here. I miss the struggle of changing your diaper. You were always so eager to get moving that changing your diaper had to be quick or you would get away. It was a challenge, but it was a challenge that I loved and I miss so much.
I am miserable without you Stella. You were my light and my future. I planned and planned, and when things went wrong I re-planned and planned again. Now, there is no plan. There is no joy. There is no light. Everything crashed and burned when your heart stopped beating. I stand in the smoke of the aftermath of the implosion that is my life. I can’t breathe. Everything is a haze and I can’t see. Things around me are familiar and so I manage to function and move but still I am in the fog. I’m in a daze. All I want to do is lay down and curl up, do nothing and think nothing, feel nothing and see nothing. I can’t see, Stella. You were my light and now I can’t see.
I am so afraid. It paralyzes me. Each day that goes by it feels more and more like you were a dream. A dream that was so perfect. You were perfect. You are perfect. You were not a dream but it feels like you were because you are so far away. I hate it. I hate it to my core. You should be running around so full of life and laughter. Instead you are ashes in a mausoleum surrounded by people who lived full and long lives. You are surrounded by smiling elderly people who were able to experience so many things. In the center, there you are, looking beautiful and young and perfect. You shouldn’t be there. You shouldn’t be there with all those old people. You should be here with me. I shouldn’t be on this laptop because you should be pushing the buttons and touching the screen. I should be playing with you. I should be feeding you and holding you and kissing you and loving you.
I should be with you. You should be with me and Daddy. We should be together as a family.
But instead..here we are. This is where we are. This is my life now. A life without you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you I miss you I miss you. Can you hear me Stella Li? Do you know how much I love you and I miss you? I wish I had told you more how much I love you. I wish those were the only words that had come out of my mouth besides your beautiful name. I wish and I wish and I wish…..
I miss you and I love you. I will say this everyday for the rest of my life. When I see you again Stella Li, I will say these words to you forever. I can’t wait to see you smile at me again. My Light, my love, my beautiful sweet Stella Li. I love you. I love you. I love you.